Jewish Mourning

What is a Jewish Mourning?

Once the funeral service is over, the mourners–those immediate family members of the deceased–return home to engage in a specified time of seclusion. This period is known as Shiva and gets its name from the Hebrew word for the number "seven"–the proscribed length of time for this Jewish mourning practice.

Sitting Shiva

The laws of mourning are observed in memory of parents, husband, wife, son, daughter, brother, or sister. 

The laws of mourning do not apply when the deceased is an infant less than thirty days old. Boys less than thirteen years of age and girls less the twelve years of age are not obligated to observe the laws of mourning. 
While not all Jewish families mourn this way, sitting Shiva is a long-standing tradition. It's a beautiful practice where mourners are given time to withdraw and seek the solace of sanctuary in their homes. During the period of Shiva, which traditionally lasts for seven days, mourners remain at home, not participating in the wider community. Maurice Lamm, the author of The Jewish Way in Death and Mourning, shared this insight:

"Mourning is an in-depth experience of loneliness. The ties that bind one soul to another have been severed, and there is a gnawing sense of solitude. To remain incommunicado is to express grief over the disruption of communication with someone we love. At certain times every person has a right, even an obligation, to be alone. This is such a time. The mourner, therefore, remains at home during the entire period of the Shiva. It then becomes the moral duty of the Jewish community to come to the bereaved's door and comfort him with words of praise for the deceased, thereby drawing him out of his loneliness and into the social structure once again."

Making a Shiva Call

Following the instructive words of Pirke Avot, "Do not try to comfort your friend while the body of his deceased lies before him," making a Shiva call is all about comforting the bereaved mourners. It is thought to be a mitzvah or commandment, an act of loving kindness and compassion to pay a home visit to the mourners. This comfort comes from three Sources:: words, food, and action. Here are some basic guidelines to follow:
  • Make an aware decision about when to visit, based on an announcement made at the funeral, or by reaching out to members of the extended family. Certainly, if you are at a loss as to when to make your Shiva call, it may be appropriate to call ahead. 
  • Always dress respectfully, as if you were attending a service at a synagogue.
  • If you are arriving shortly after the funeral or graveside ceremonies, you may see everything you'd need to wash your hands: a basin, water, soap, and towels. Use them. It is tradition to wash your hands because it is believed that contact with the deceased makes one "impure".
  • To relieve the mourners of the responsibility of answering the door, the front door will be unlocked. That means there is no need to knock or ring the doorbell. Simply walk in.
  • When bringing food, make sure to identify the dish with a card that includes your name and identifies the ingredients: meat, dairy, or a dish containing neither, which in Yiddish is called parve.
  • Take your food item directly to the kitchen, where there will most likely be someone there to receive it.
  • Then, go to be with the mourners as soon as possible. Tradition tells visitors to be silent, allowing the mourners the first right of the conversation. However, you may choose to simply declare how sorry you are for their loss, opening the door to continued dialog.
  • If others are present and wish to speak with the mourners, don't take up too much of their time. You can always return to their side at a later point to share your memories of the deceased, and offer kind words of comfort.
  • If snacks and refreshments are available, you are welcome to partake in them. 
  • The conversation, whether with the mourners or other guests, should provide comfort to those sitting Shiva. Spend time reminiscing about the deceased, and share the details of the relationship you shared with them.
  • A Shiva call should last no longer than an hour. Remember the mourners are weary and need rest.
Always close your Shiva call by saying farewell to the bereaved. You may wish to say, "May God comfort you among the other mourners of Zion and Jerusalem". You may also choose to wish them strength, long life, or another such blessing.

After the Shiva, The Shloshim

Shiva is part of the thirty-day period following the burial known as Shloshim. Once Shiva is completed, the days which follow serve as a time of re-entry for the mourners. They may return to their normal daily life, however, tradition asks that they avoid music and other forms of celebration.

K'RIAH-Rending Of The Garment

To indicate grief, the mourner makes a rent in his garment on the right-hand side, except in the case of parents when it is made on the left side.

When the death occurs on Yom Tov, K'RIAH is made after its conclusion. No K'RIAH is observed for an infant less the thirty days old.

Kaddish

The Kaddish is to be recited by the mourners for a period of eleven months. It is recited during the three scheduled services every day at the Synagogue. At the expiration of the year, Kaddish is to be said on the Yahrzeit and repeated at every anniversary.

Yahrzeit

The Yahrzeit is to be solemnized on the anniversary of the day when the death took place, and commences the preceding evening. It is customary to light a candle or a lamp for the Yahrzeit.

Unveiling a Monument

“A mere shadow is our days upon the earth.” Naught is left to me of him who has gone “to the valley of the shadow of death” but a stone bearing his name. This is all we have to mark the spot where his mortal remains are laid, to remind us of what we too shall soon become. In the grave, all our efforts end. Here is nothing but a fragile stone or a name whom we leave behind, unless we sow the seed of goodness and useful deeds in our earthy career, the fruits of which we shall reap in heaven.

O thou who sleepest in dust, this monument was not needed to recall thy name, for thy precious memory is enthroned in the hearts of many; but thy gentle qualities and kind friends have so endeared thy image to my soul, that death alone can efface the remembrance of the loss I have sustained in thy decease.

May the body rest in peace. Lord in setting this stone to the memory of……... I beseech Thee
to grant repose to his (her) soul, give him (her) the peace of righteousness, and admit him (her) to the joy of contemplating Thy divine presence

Vouchsafe Thy mercy to me, O lord! That my spirit may one day also enjoy eternal beatitude,
and make my memory worthy of being honored and preserved among those whom I shall leave behind. Amen.

 If we can be of further assistance in answering questions regarding Jewish mourning customs, please don't hesitate to contact us.
Sources:

http://www.chabad.org/library/article_cdo/aid/281602/jewish/Sitting-Shiva.htm
Share by: